Let her cry... Jess | 07/07/2006
so firstly, last entry had double meanings to me. firstly it was how i really felt and it felt good getting it off my chest. secondly it actually opened my eyes to something. that there are actually people worse off than me and therefore have every right to be more depressed than me. but they arnt always. which makes me think that depression should be relative and if they at happy then i should be more so. ok, so its something parents, friends, santa has been telling me for years but i guess i need a bit of a breakdown to realise and let something actually break thru this thick skull. and it wasnt just any breakdown. ive brokendown before - to the extent that i literly crumble and curl into a ball and just cry. the tears come and the sadness is there and i sit there with no thought - just a crazy amount of feeling. this time the feelings were productive and the aftermath of this has been interesting.
ive had time to myself. ive had an adgenda - ive had to study for my defered exams so ive been busy doing that and focused on that just about as much as i had been for tee exams. an amount of focus i forgot i possessed. this plus the time ive had alone has, i dont know, maybe changed me or something. well yea, ive def changed. im now a strong believer (and preacher) in letting yourself live your life. things come up and affect the way you think and feel and act and interact with other people - they just happen. life just happens. its your choice to let that action take control of you and let yourself focus on that or you can watch the products of the action and react on them, build on them. i guess i can liken this to what has happened with a boy and i in the past few weeks. he did something that i thought he wouldnt. but he did. what hurt most was that he didnt tell me. but now i know. i focused on it, over analysed it. it almost killed me. but. whatever actually. its something that happens and its a pain that i will feel countless times in my life so rather then let it take hold of me and make me stop living my life the way i want to - its a productive type of pain to me now.
experience makes you grow. experience makes you expand as a person and develop your personality so that you dont end up as the angry cat woman throwing her cats at people who come close. taking on that development develops character. you could be living in the dives of - i donno - armadale working at the local gas station just to get the cash to buy food and keep the hot water running - so u may not be materialitically rich but you will have a rich character. and thats what matters. and it doesnt matter to anyone but yourself - because u will live w u for the longest.
im currently having a fight w a friend from uni as well. she is reacting towards something that happened between us and its getting to the stage where i dont want to fight anymore im over it. she should be too. but nothings moving. this is another thing that made me realise how useless it would be to focus on the relationship. something she actually said herself is that if you are able to contact someone after totally ditching them for any reason months after the friendship is worth it. so whatever. i have school friends that i know i can trust and value so much more than her friendship if only becuase those guys know me as me and not as whatever else i could possibly portray to poeple. if she is immature enough to hold a grudge than thats her problem and she can waste her life focusing on irregularities in the system.
i want to move forward. i want to get a degree in architecture but not before learning italian fluently - as ive always wanted to (italian roots and all) - and doing the summer unit in italy. being in countless functional and not so functional relationships. i want to start my own firm after working as the coffee girl in countless other international firms. sell the firm after a few years and then become the leader of the next big 'avant garde' art wave.
i have plans.
get out of my way ;)
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When doves cry Jess | 22/06/2006
so. im depressed. im not eating and im crying all the time. my mother doesnt understand me and doesnt want to understand me. my dad plays everything down and refuses to listen. and the guy i thought i was with hooked up with another girl last week and took her home. but...
i still have a mother, unlike the guy who was in the bed opposite my dad at the hospital. (he got his appendix out). unlike this guy, i dont have diabities (yea cant spell - the insulin disease), my dad didnt admit me to a home after i got brain damage and lost my leg in a car accident, unlike this guy. this guy O.Dd on drugs in hospital and is back for complications with his diabities. unlike that guy, i still have my health, my legs, my brain, my future.
i still have my life. unlike the 15yrold girl who moved to collie and moved in with one of her 16yro killers. her parents are separated and hate each other. mine arnt and dont. she was found under a house in a shallow grave. im writing this from inside my house.
i can walk down the street and know quite confidently that nothing terrible will happen to me. Pam thought the same walking around Thailand after watching the soccer. i watched the soccer sunday morning too. i walked outside down the road to my car. im still alive.
i still have my dignity, unlike Britney. altho i have noone to love, i havent gone for the next best thing - an unemployed backup dancer. unlike britney, i have no money, unlike britney, i am not abused and stalked. i wouldnt name my child with a yokel south west name for him to be abused and stalked for the rest of his life.
i still have my apendix, and we all know how important that is to have. my dad doesnt. i can walk around the house wihtout winching at every step and popping pills just to make standing bareable.
my life is good. im not happy but my life is good.
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Dog like... Jess | 30/05/2006
so yea, im sick. yukyukyuk
sick as a dog and i hate it
annd... i cant play sport or eat fatty foods or drink :( my throat burns and ive got headaches to share...guess what it is???
its soo gay. gonna have to deffer exams and blaa... sleep lots i guess
hate dogs
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Last night i had the strangest dream Jess | 25/04/2006
i sailed away to china, in a little old boat to find you, you said you had to get your laundry cleaned.
actually, lyrics aside, last night involved a breakthrough. between boy and i. we talked and oh did we talk.
he told me that he liked me, really liked me. he said that if this had happened weeks or months after he had actually broken up w his gf, things would be different. but now, he cant commit. the last time this happened to me, the guy saying he cant commit and he wants to spend life in his own little box with twinkies and a gameboy (or whatever) - the last time months later the guy was asking me back, calling me everyweekend while intoxicated, asking me to tell him whats going on. innocent bystander almost is i. another boy with which i have had numerous relations had a big dnm w me the other day and decided that im hard done by. and i am. woe-is-me boo hoo. guys i have relationships with never want to stay w me and the result is them sitting in a car just outside my house at midnight telling me that the way we are is fantastic and he wants more he just doesnt think he wants what comes with a relationship. but he still wants me. and he wants no one else to have me. im feeling a little confused with this idea.
i would have rather dreampt about drowning in bike tyres or being shot in a stair well or even warped versions of Saw in which the characters that are caught are the scary white faced things and the thing that turns up on the videos is actually a normal human.
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Even if... Jess | 25/04/2006
it is a poem... it is not my poem... it is their poem... can u guess who?
id like to see anyone argue that this is not art.
yes, that is a challenge
~~~
Adelaide, on a plane
Far from the united states of LA
Dropping in from out of space
Takes a day
A public service announcement
Followed me home the other day
There was the stage
Two red lights
A dodgy PA
In the rain I’m walking slowly
There’s a light in your apartment
I don’t know why
I ache for you
Look at this its me walking away
Look at you drowning on display
Psychic spies from china try to steal your minds elation
Based on your smile
I’m betting all of this might be over soon
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
I am here as you are here
As you are me and we are all together
I saw her
I saw her with her black tote tied
With your long blonde hair and your eyes blue
The only thing I ever got from you was
Sorrow
~~~
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I Just Died In Your Arms That Night Jess | 07/04/2006
sigh.
life.
stupid.
i really dont like it that much, really. its not at alll sunflowers, but seriously ITS NOT.
playing around w yours and someone else's feelings is not sunflowers. it means days upon days of dodging questions but still being so close - practically going out but not. seriously, not. gaayyy..
and apparently im the one who has to do something about it... i dont wanna do shit. :$ ok i no.... ill have to do something. the plan is something whilst sober and not sleep deprived..
wednesday, i was practically asleep in his arms and then i woke up and kissed him. but there is still no resolution. and i still feel guilty.... even tho there is nothing really stopping us from anything now. except my stubornness.
we act one way but then i feel another way and this is
stupid.
i feel stupid.
really stupid.
like a kitchen knife, stupid.
like glow in the dark bowling balls stupid.
like the picture that hangs upside down on the wall stupid.
like ornamental easter bunnies stupid.
like life-sized cotton candy stupid
like seriously stupid
crazy stupid
stupid.
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Jess | 18/03/2006
lol... note to self: view blog
thanks for altering my layout :D love you long time
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Love you long time i swear. Jess | 18/03/2006
yea so i havnt been around in a while and i need to figure out a way to change this setting (btw how would i go about doing that... (webdesign 101 anyone?)
... but i have been thinking about stuff...
and ive decided that if someone your sorta going out w still has a pic of their ex/girlfriend in their room, they are still rather attached to that person. so therefore wtf am i doing w this guy if she is still around??
thats whats been on my mind the mostest. this boy's name is going to be Boy to save me more headaches in the future.. and any other boy i talk about will be known further as Boy2,3,4 etc. for those who know me and what i ramble about.... i will probably reach Boy15 by the end of the week.
annyyyway
my life is sunflowers, and ive got study to do and things to obsess about
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yup Jess | 03/03/2006
ok im gonna have to do something about this setup...
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Cheese Jess | 03/03/2006
do we all want a little bit about me? i think we do....
WHATEVER
nah man seriously, i dont really like the idea of blogs but im pretty happy with this one and kudos.
actually this is me caving in to the fact that ive been at uni for a year and most of my school friends have gone in different directions around the world and this is easier than emailing them all my very interesting outings. dont worry i will be insiteful and deep and contributing to society (however thats done) and also hopefully improve my spelling skills but at the moment its 7.41 in the morning and ive slept nothing after a big night last night at uni which turned out to be awesome-big time awesome. but seriously- bay13 eat your heart out. it was da bomb...
yup
so i will keep up the starving artisty-ness that is me coz atm im starving and an artist and in need of some very filling food.
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